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 The following is a catalog of Expert Responses to questions submitted to our 'Ask the Expert' (This information is for your personnal use and not for publication):  Question: What is the proper etiquette for a second wedding for both parties relative to who to invite and gifts Expert: I personally do not feel that etiquette is the correct concern in this matter. Second weddings are just as important or maybe even more meaningful than the first time around. Certainly the individuals age is also a consideration. Does the couple already own a home and have all the paraphernalia needed. This is a time to invite friends and family and share in the celebration. This is at the discretion of the bride and groom. Some like a private and intimate setting with just 5-10 people and make a quick announcement after the fact and others want the whole wedding scenario. Regarding gifts, unless specific requests are on the invitation i.e. no gifts please, or a donation to the humane society is appreciated, guests will want to bring an item or give money for the couple to purchase something new. Certainly gifts are well received and perfectly acceptable for second weddings. One of the major issues is budget and the type of reception would be based on what the couple can afford. Question: I was wondering about the "corkage" fees associated with bringing your own homemade wine. Is there a standard charge? (Ottawa, Canada) Expert: Regarding your quest for information on the corkage fees, these are usually $6.50-8.00 per bottle.Locations with a liquor license do not allow any alcohol brought in. On occasion home made wine is a possibility depending on the location and if this given as a gift or in a host bar situation. Resale is usually not allowed. If the hall doesn't have a license then arrangements can be made with the club or hall. Question: I am having 3 bridesmaids in my party (70 guests approx) this September. My 3rd bridesmaid has announced she is taking fertility pills trying to get pregnant....I am ordering dresses this spring from a store like Fairweathers so they will be able to wear it again etc. What do I do....do I tell her if she gets too far along and can not fit the dress I will have a back up maid??? Expert: The situation you are facing is not an uncommon one. Babies and weddings seem to often happen around the same time, and how you handle it will depend on a number of considerations. Only you and your fiancé will be able to decide what will work out best for you. There are several questions you need to answer in order to decide this. ~ How important is it to you to have this person stand up with you at the wedding? ~ How important is it to her that she stand up with you? ~ Would it bother you to have her stand up with you after she is visibly pregnant, even if she can fit the gown? ~ How important is it to you that all the bridesmaids are dressed exactly the same? ~ Would it be acceptable to have her dressed in the same color, but a different style, should she be too pregnant for her gown? (This would work well if your bridesmaids' gowns will be a fairly easy to match color, like black or navy. It might not be possible at all if you are planning to use a very unusual or difficult to match color.) ~ If there is no way to have her dress "appropriately" (meaning in a way that will suit your expectations) to be in the wedding party, do you really want or need to "replace" her? Is there someone else you'd really like to have stand up with you? Or are you just trying to keep numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen equal? Or just "have a use" for the gown ordered for her? As I said initially, only you and your fiancé can decide how you feel about these questions. There are ways to alter a gown to fit a pregnant woman; I've had to do it before. It's not the easiest or best route, in my opinion, but it *can* sometimes be done. If you think you would like to try that out, find an alterationist and start asking questions about the gown style you are interested in *now*. There are couples who really don't care about whether every member of the wedding party is dressed *exactly* the same (in fact many couples now are purposely having their attendants choose same color/ similar style gowns rather than identical ones), and that works out very well for situations where all the women aren't the same size or for a case like yours. There are plenty of weddings where there are uneven numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen, so that needn't be a consideration necessarily, either. I think the biggest thing you need to decide, before you talk to this bridemaid about the subject much more, is *how much you want her to be up there with you*. If she's on fertility treatments, she may or may not be pregnant at all, let alone visibly so, in September. There's no way to know. So, I would suggest you basically decide now that you'll have her as a bridesmaid and make whatever adjustments are necessary if she *does* get pregnant (keeping that possibility in mind as you make your plans!)--- OR that you don't want to have her as a bridemaid enough to face that possibility. In the second case, she should know now, and maybe it can be presented as best for everyone, and she can help with the wedding in other ways. It seems unfair to tell her that she's "in" unless she gets too pregnant, in which case you'll find someone else. Question: Is it rude not to have guests bring dates to their wedding? I don't want my wedding to be an excuse to party. I want it to e recognized as a very scared event and I don't want to invite people just because I feel like I have to. But this may cause some problems. What should I do? Expert: Guest list questions are often complicated because many decisions are based on emotions and assumptions. I understand your desire to have a more intimate ceremony, and believe that you have a legitimate right to control who does and does not attend your wedding. I'd be interested, though, to know the specifics of your situation, because it's hard to tell what the specific problem is from your brief question and explanation. But for now, here are a few things to consider. I hope they will help you find an acceptable solution to your dilemma. ~ Is there a particular "date" you don't want present? Or several? If there *is* a particular date (or more) that you want excluded, would they be coming with close family or friends who would be offended if you asked that they not attend? This can be very awkward, and yes, in such a case, your guests *might* feel it is rude of you to ask them to come alone-- especially if the date is an established *significant other*. ~ Or do you just generally not want strangers/acquaintances present at your wedding? This is usually easier to handle diplomatically. ~ Are the guests you *do* want to attend less likely to want "an excuse to party" than their dates might be? You can do alot to set the mood and keep it quiet by limiting or not providing alcohol, carefully selecting the music/entertainment/location, etc. ~ Are weddings in your family/ circle of friends/ geographic area *usually* an excuse to party? If they **are**, you will have to make your desires more clear. ~ Will all the desired guests know other people who will be attending? Often people are encouraged to bring dates because they might not feel comfortable coming alone to a weddig where they don't know many people. ~ Do you have a fairly small guest list to begin with, so you could "get the word out" informally before invites go out that you want to keep the wedding personal and dignified, and to limit the guests to close friends/family? Sometimes this is relatively easy to do, depending on who is invited and also what your "reputation" is as a couple. With some couples, guests basically *know* that the wedding will be small and personal; with others, guests may mistakenly assume that the wedding will be a big party atmosphere. ~ Will your ceremony and reception be fairly short? I would not expect my guests to come alone to a several hour event, but if you will have an intimate ceremony and informal (I mean by that, just light food, with free circulation between guests, and a minimum of structured activities), perhaps a total of 3 hours, start-to-finish, it might be more appropriate to seriously limit attendance. ~ Are you concerned about the cost of feeding/entertaining the extra guests? If so, that's another thing you might have family and friends spread the word about. Or, you might consider cutting back on the amount/type/expense of food/entertainment to make it more manageable. Without knowing more specifics, I can't make more precise suggestions, but I will say this... it IS possible to handle any situation in a rude way or a diplomatic way. You have every right to have who you want with you at your wedding. It's a really important and special day. But you will need to weigh your decisions about how to handle this situation with the possible long-term consequences of those decisions. If excluding a date(s) will alienate your groom or future in-laws, it may not be worth making a big deal about. If it would merely tick off some peripheral friend or acquaintance who *expects* to be invited, it might be worth taking a stand on. Under no circumstances would I exclude a fiancé(e) or spouse-- no matter how you feel about them. That's just asking for trouble, and very unfair to the person you *do* want to come. Question: I have a very small Bible which belonged to my late Father I would like to carry it down the aisle with me. Could you give me advice on how to carry it with my bouquet? Expert: I'm sorry that your Father can not walk you down the aisle, but it's nice that you will feel him with you in spirit by carrying his Bible. I was matron of honor in a wedding where the bride carried a small Bible as well as her bouquet (which was pretty large). I remember that the bride and I worried about carrying both, and especially about how I would be able to hold my bouquet, her bouquet *and* the Bible when she and the groom were doing the rings, etc. It all worked out fine, although I cannot remember *precisely* how we worked it. I know that we had *planned* for me to hand the Bible back to the next bridesmaid before I took the bouquet, but I *think* I just ended up holding all three. I hoped the bride would remember better, so I forwarded your e-mail to her, and have attached her response below. If you will walk down alone, it should be easy, because your hands would be together anyway. If you are being escorted, you *might* need to link your arm around, instead of holding your escort's arm, but that should be easy to work out. Wish I could remember better, but I do remember that everything worked out great during her wedding... until the groom stepped on her gown skirt when they were getting up from the kneeling bench. Luckily, we noticed, so she didn't stand up until he moved his foot!! : ) (Something to remember if you have a big skirt and will be kneeling!!) Question: Our wedding is only civil.Do I need to wear a veil? What kind of dress should I wear ... a gown or just a simple dress? Do I need to have a bridesmaid? Expert: I don't think that you need to wear a veil. Many brides do not wear veils even in church ceremonies, so for a civil one it should not be necessary. If you WANT to wear a veil, choose a short one, or you could wear a pretty hat. Some brides wear long gowns for civil ceremonies, and others wear suits or simple dresses. It depends on the country and local customs. Perhaps you could call or visit the office where you will marry, and ask them what would be appropriate. If you do choose to wear a traditional gown, pick one with either no train or a VERY short train-- or you could have a long train if it was permanently bustled. This sometimes looks even prettier than the train looks stretched out behind. Usually the real reason for having a bridesmaid is as a witness. But in some civil ceremonies, the staff in the office act as witnesses; in others, you need to bring your own. Again, this seems to vary by country and custom. This would be another good question to ask the office . You may also want to ask if friends or family are welcome. Sometimes there isn't much room, so "guests" are discouraged. Other times a few friends or family are no problem. To make it fun and pretty, buy yourself a bouquet and your groom a bouttoniere. You will feel more like a bride, no matter what clothes you wear. Question: My fiance and I are having trouble picking a master of ceremonies. I was wondering if it is ok to have the father of the bride do it. My family is very traditional and I do not know if this Idea is acceptable. Expert: My first reaction was that maybe you could just *ask* your family what they think of the idea of your dad being MC. For many couples, family is a main source of ideas and information. Some families would really enjoy that, while others might think it inappropriate-- and as you implied, you want to make a decision which will "fit" your family and circumstances. What it comes down to is this--- every situation/region/social circle is a little different, so any tradition that says the bride's father shouldn't be MC wouldn't necessarily hold true everywhere, for everyone. Ask some questions, feel some people out about the subject. If not your family, maybe friends who've married in the area, clergy, etc. To me, one of the biggest points *against* your father MCing the reception is that he is also (traditionally) the host. You would need to consider if he'd be too tied to the microphone to mingle, and enjoy the guests if he was MC as well. Make a rough time-line of how you want things to happen at the reception, and when. How much will the MC need to do? Make a few toasts and announce a few events (cake-cutting, bouquet toss, etc.)? Or will he be responsible for a *lot* of things? How will what you want the MC to do work with what your dad may want or need to do as host? Many weddings don't have anyone "in charge". So you also need to ask yourselves if an MC, as such, is really needed in your situation. In fact, most of the receptions I've attended, though well organized and smoothly completed, have not *really* had a master of ceremonies. Perhaps a DJ who used his handy microphone to make announcements, and the music to gain attention and provide mood. These were traditional weddings, overall, but perhaps less formal and structured than you envision your reception to be. You and your fiancé will have to make that determination. But often I advise my clients that if it's *too* hard to find or work something out, maybe you need to think about whether you really need it or want it. Something to think about. The other big consideration is your dad's personality. I assume the reason you are thinking of him is that you feel he'd be good at it and comfortable with the job. If that's true, maybe the thing to do is get his preliminary opinion/preference? Make it straight-forward and say, Hey, Dad, what would you think about this idea? If he wants to do it, and it seems to fit in with his enjoyment of the wedding and his ability to host it-- and no one has any logical reason he *shouldn't*, then you could go ahead and have him MC. |